Lynne wrote in
m:

on Mon, 02 Apr 2007 18:04:12 GMT, ceb
wrote:

Lynne, I think my email to you yesterday was a bit harsh. I was just
meaning to say that I completely understand Perry's reluctance to
confront her neighbors.


I have a really low tolerance for living next door to people who hate
me, and would definitely take the conservative approach that Perry
has chosen

So asking a neighbor to be considerate will make them hate you?
*boggle*

I think it really depends on the vibe you are getting from a particular
person. I tend to think that people who are incredibly clueless are not
going to be responsive to my concerns. On the other hand, some people
just don't know there's a problem unless you tell them.


Do you live in the South, Lynne? Because often a
too-forthright approach can backfire here.

Nope, I'm not in the South. I'm in Louisville, KY, which seems to
defy classfication. It's not the South, it's not the Midwest. The
neighborhood where I live is full of transplants from all over the
country, so it may not be an accurate reflection of this area in
general.

I lived a great many years in Virginia, though, not far from where you
are located (my son was born at UVA). Being direct there never caused
me any problems. Perhaps it's all in the presentation?

How funny! I work at UVa. Being direct never caused you problems here?
Because it has me. I'm a NY transplant, myself -- I'm tactful, and
empathetic, so I don't think my presentation is so bad, I just think it's
a cultural thing. Not that being direct in NY doesn't sometimes get
people in trouble! I just seem to step on people's toes accidentally
here.


Being at war with the neighbors is to be avoided if at all possible,
in my book.

We're not at war. I'm also not buddy-buddy with this neighbor, but I
never had the desire to be. I have *zero* respect for people who are
careless with their animals (among other things)--especially when they
are smart enough to know better. OTOH, I have great relationships
with my other neighbors, FWTW.

I do have an active fear of having hostile neighbors. It's practically a
phobia. I didn't mean to imply that you are warring with your neighbors
or that your approach would lead to that. I just try to tread very
lightly.


Honestly, the bottom line for me is that I would want to know if I was
doing something to aggravate my neighbor, even a neighbor I didn't
particularly like. I would HATE to be doing something that pissed
them off. I would want them to tell me directly, instead of dropping
subtle hints that I might not catch.

Yes, I agree. Because I try very hard to be considerate of my neighbors,
so if I were messing up, it would be truly inadvertent. OTOH, sometimes
just living my life can irritate the neighbors, and I want them to keep
that to themselves. I want "live and let live" for the most part.

People tend to get more
frustrated as problems continue, and that's when tempers can flare.
I'd rather avoid getting to the point, on either side of the problem.
Were I in my neighbor's shoes and I found out that my dog was a
nuisance, I'd be embarrassed and apologetic--which is exactly the
reaction I got from him.

Again, I think one can sometimes sense who will be receptive and who will
be defensive and I would hesitate to approach those who might get
defensive and hostile.


I'm not sure why people find it so hard to be direct. If you do it in
a polite, respectful manner, it gets results.


It can, and I tend to use that technique in less volatile situations but
as I said, I am extra careful with next door neighbors because I just
don't want any hostility at home. It can escalate so easily, and I really
need to feel safe in my house.


--
Catherine
& Zoe the cockerchow
& Queenie the black gold retriever
& Max the pomeranian
& Rosalie the calico cat