on Tue, 03 Apr 2007 14:10:51 GMT, ceb wrote:

Lynne, I think my email to you yesterday was a bit harsh. I was just
meaning to say that I completely understand Perry's reluctance to
confront her neighbors.

I understand her reluctance now that she has described the
"neighborhood." Out in the country you can't risk alienating the only
living people nearby. I personally still would not hesitate to talk with
them, for the reasons I stated, but that's because I just don't think it
would be a big deal if handled properly.

I think it really depends on the vibe you are getting from a
particular person. I tend to think that people who are incredibly
clueless are not going to be responsive to my concerns. On the other
hand, some people just don't know there's a problem unless you tell
them.

I tend to think most people fall into the latter category. For those who
do not, well I honestly don't care if they like what I have to say, or
not.

How funny! I work at UVa.

Yeah, I saw it in your header. I love Charlottesville, and I miss living
in Virginia. My son was born there in 1990, at the UVA Children's
Hospital Medical Center. Very good facility--they worked miracles there
for him.

Being direct never caused you problems here?

Never.

Because it has me. I'm a NY transplant, myself -- I'm tactful, and
empathetic, so I don't think my presentation is so bad, I just think
it's a cultural thing. Not that being direct in NY doesn't sometimes
get people in trouble! I just seem to step on people's toes
accidentally here.

Do you have a New York accent? If you do, I think that may have more to
do with it than anything else. Accents often lead to stereotyping and
that might explain the accidental toe stepping.

I do have an active fear of having hostile neighbors. It's practically
a phobia. I didn't mean to imply that you are warring with your
neighbors or that your approach would lead to that. I just try to
tread very lightly.

I understand that, but I can't imagine that someone would be hostile over
a simple request to control their dog. If so, then quite frankly I would
question their mental stability and wouldn't trust them enough to want to
be even the least bit acquainted with them.

Yes, I agree. Because I try very hard to be considerate of my
neighbors, so if I were messing up, it would be truly inadvertent.
OTOH, sometimes just living my life can irritate the neighbors, and I
want them to keep that to themselves.

Well yeah, I'm sure some neighbors can be total pains in the asses and
unreasonable. If I had a neighbor like that I'd probably tell them to
flip off, respectfully (the first time).

I want "live and let live" for the most part.

Ditto--and in a big way!--but I'm not going to keep my mouth shut over
something reasonable that a neighbor should be doing (like keeping their
dog off my property).

Again, I think one can sometimes sense who will be receptive and who
will be defensive and I would hesitate to approach those who might get
defensive and hostile.

I would approach both types of people, but I would definitely handle them
differently. I'd still be direct, but I'd use different words based on
the type of person I was dealing with.

I'm not sure why people find it so hard to be direct. If you do it
in a polite, respectful manner, it gets results.

It can, and I tend to use that technique in less volatile situations
but as I said, I am extra careful with next door neighbors because I
just don't want any hostility at home. It can escalate so easily, and
I really need to feel safe in my house.

I recommend guns.

--
Lynne