on Mon, 02 Apr 2007 18:04:12 GMT, ceb wrote:

I have a really low tolerance for living next door to people who hate
me, and would definitely take the conservative approach that Perry has
chosen

So asking a neighbor to be considerate will make them hate you? *boggle*

Do you live in the South, Lynne? Because often a
too-forthright approach can backfire here.

Nope, I'm not in the South. I'm in Louisville, KY, which seems to defy
classfication. It's not the South, it's not the Midwest. The
neighborhood where I live is full of transplants from all over the
country, so it may not be an accurate reflection of this area in general.

I lived a great many years in Virginia, though, not far from where you
are located (my son was born at UVA). Being direct there never caused me
any problems. Perhaps it's all in the presentation?

Being at war with the neighbors is to be avoided if at all possible,
in my book.

We're not at war. I'm also not buddy-buddy with this neighbor, but I
never had the desire to be. I have *zero* respect for people who are
careless with their animals (among other things)--especially when they
are smart enough to know better. OTOH, I have great relationships with
my other neighbors, FWTW.

Honestly, the bottom line for me is that I would want to know if I was
doing something to aggravate my neighbor, even a neighbor I didn't
particularly like. I would HATE to be doing something that pissed them
off. I would want them to tell me directly, instead of dropping subtle
hints that I might not catch. People tend to get more frustrated as
problems continue, and that's when tempers can flare. I'd rather avoid
getting to the point, on either side of the problem. Were I in my
neighbor's shoes and I found out that my dog was a nuisance, I'd be
embarrassed and apologetic--which is exactly the reaction I got from him.

I'm not sure why people find it so hard to be direct. If you do it in a
polite, respectful manner, it gets results.

--
Lynne

ALL of the comments hit home. I tend to be outspoken, but I will be the new
person in this area and as Catherine says, I certainly don't want to live
next door to people that I've pissed off. And although their dog habits are
not in line with mine, they otherwise seem to be good neighbors...
I'd love to take Lynne's suggestion and just straight out tell them that
there's a problem, but my gut tells me to finesse this one...

They do keep him penned most of the day..but on his morning razoo, he
manages to make the most of his peeing efforts...

Perry

Lynne wrote in
m:

on Mon, 02 Apr 2007 18:04:12 GMT, ceb
wrote:

Lynne, I think my email to you yesterday was a bit harsh. I was just
meaning to say that I completely understand Perry's reluctance to
confront her neighbors.


I have a really low tolerance for living next door to people who hate
me, and would definitely take the conservative approach that Perry
has chosen

So asking a neighbor to be considerate will make them hate you?
*boggle*

I think it really depends on the vibe you are getting from a particular
person. I tend to think that people who are incredibly clueless are not
going to be responsive to my concerns. On the other hand, some people
just don't know there's a problem unless you tell them.


Do you live in the South, Lynne? Because often a
too-forthright approach can backfire here.

Nope, I'm not in the South. I'm in Louisville, KY, which seems to
defy classfication. It's not the South, it's not the Midwest. The
neighborhood where I live is full of transplants from all over the
country, so it may not be an accurate reflection of this area in
general.

I lived a great many years in Virginia, though, not far from where you
are located (my son was born at UVA). Being direct there never caused
me any problems. Perhaps it's all in the presentation?

How funny! I work at UVa. Being direct never caused you problems here?
Because it has me. I'm a NY transplant, myself -- I'm tactful, and
empathetic, so I don't think my presentation is so bad, I just think it's
a cultural thing. Not that being direct in NY doesn't sometimes get
people in trouble! I just seem to step on people's toes accidentally
here.


Being at war with the neighbors is to be avoided if at all possible,
in my book.

We're not at war. I'm also not buddy-buddy with this neighbor, but I
never had the desire to be. I have *zero* respect for people who are
careless with their animals (among other things)--especially when they
are smart enough to know better. OTOH, I have great relationships
with my other neighbors, FWTW.

I do have an active fear of having hostile neighbors. It's practically a
phobia. I didn't mean to imply that you are warring with your neighbors
or that your approach would lead to that. I just try to tread very
lightly.


Honestly, the bottom line for me is that I would want to know if I was
doing something to aggravate my neighbor, even a neighbor I didn't
particularly like. I would HATE to be doing something that pissed
them off. I would want them to tell me directly, instead of dropping
subtle hints that I might not catch.

Yes, I agree. Because I try very hard to be considerate of my neighbors,
so if I were messing up, it would be truly inadvertent. OTOH, sometimes
just living my life can irritate the neighbors, and I want them to keep
that to themselves. I want "live and let live" for the most part.

People tend to get more
frustrated as problems continue, and that's when tempers can flare.
I'd rather avoid getting to the point, on either side of the problem.
Were I in my neighbor's shoes and I found out that my dog was a
nuisance, I'd be embarrassed and apologetic--which is exactly the
reaction I got from him.

Again, I think one can sometimes sense who will be receptive and who will
be defensive and I would hesitate to approach those who might get
defensive and hostile.


I'm not sure why people find it so hard to be direct. If you do it in
a polite, respectful manner, it gets results.


It can, and I tend to use that technique in less volatile situations but
as I said, I am extra careful with next door neighbors because I just
don't want any hostility at home. It can escalate so easily, and I really
need to feel safe in my house.


--
Catherine
& Zoe the cockerchow
& Queenie the black gold retriever
& Max the pomeranian
& Rosalie the calico cat

What a wonderful discussion....I've picked up a lot of good tips. The older
I get, the more I sense that my direct statements get me in hot water. I
tend to be VERY direct. I suspect, and that's why I'm finessing this
situation, that the neighbors would take the direct approach as offensive
and hostile and in turn would react badly. I think killing these folks with
kindness is the way to go.
The area is very rural...two miles up the road is a state prison and our
exact next door neighbors on one side are a graveyard, so these people are
our closest real live humans...who knows, some day I may have to run over
there and scream something, like..."Help, Lep ran over himself with the
tractor!"...or some such nonsense.

Here where I presently live, I have no problem with being direct, but the
implications of relationships with these city neighbors is not as weighty
with the country neighbors.
Perry

on Tue, 03 Apr 2007 14:10:51 GMT, ceb wrote:

Lynne, I think my email to you yesterday was a bit harsh. I was just
meaning to say that I completely understand Perry's reluctance to
confront her neighbors.

I understand her reluctance now that she has described the
"neighborhood." Out in the country you can't risk alienating the only
living people nearby. I personally still would not hesitate to talk with
them, for the reasons I stated, but that's because I just don't think it
would be a big deal if handled properly.

I think it really depends on the vibe you are getting from a
particular person. I tend to think that people who are incredibly
clueless are not going to be responsive to my concerns. On the other
hand, some people just don't know there's a problem unless you tell
them.

I tend to think most people fall into the latter category. For those who
do not, well I honestly don't care if they like what I have to say, or
not.

How funny! I work at UVa.

Yeah, I saw it in your header. I love Charlottesville, and I miss living
in Virginia. My son was born there in 1990, at the UVA Children's
Hospital Medical Center. Very good facility--they worked miracles there
for him.

Being direct never caused you problems here?

Never.

Because it has me. I'm a NY transplant, myself -- I'm tactful, and
empathetic, so I don't think my presentation is so bad, I just think
it's a cultural thing. Not that being direct in NY doesn't sometimes
get people in trouble! I just seem to step on people's toes
accidentally here.

Do you have a New York accent? If you do, I think that may have more to
do with it than anything else. Accents often lead to stereotyping and
that might explain the accidental toe stepping.

I do have an active fear of having hostile neighbors. It's practically
a phobia. I didn't mean to imply that you are warring with your
neighbors or that your approach would lead to that. I just try to
tread very lightly.

I understand that, but I can't imagine that someone would be hostile over
a simple request to control their dog. If so, then quite frankly I would
question their mental stability and wouldn't trust them enough to want to
be even the least bit acquainted with them.

Yes, I agree. Because I try very hard to be considerate of my
neighbors, so if I were messing up, it would be truly inadvertent.
OTOH, sometimes just living my life can irritate the neighbors, and I
want them to keep that to themselves.

Well yeah, I'm sure some neighbors can be total pains in the asses and
unreasonable. If I had a neighbor like that I'd probably tell them to
flip off, respectfully (the first time).

I want "live and let live" for the most part.

Ditto--and in a big way!--but I'm not going to keep my mouth shut over
something reasonable that a neighbor should be doing (like keeping their
dog off my property).

Again, I think one can sometimes sense who will be receptive and who
will be defensive and I would hesitate to approach those who might get
defensive and hostile.

I would approach both types of people, but I would definitely handle them
differently. I'd still be direct, but I'd use different words based on
the type of person I was dealing with.

I'm not sure why people find it so hard to be direct. If you do it
in a polite, respectful manner, it gets results.

It can, and I tend to use that technique in less volatile situations
but as I said, I am extra careful with next door neighbors because I
just don't want any hostility at home. It can escalate so easily, and
I really need to feel safe in my house.

I recommend guns.

--
Lynne