Subject: TAZER GUN AS A GIFT

I WANT TO KNOW WHERE I CAN BUY ONE OF THESE!!! BOYS AND THEIR
TOYS!!! go to the bathroom before you start reading this-

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their
Anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th Anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came acrosswas a 100,000 volt pocked/purse-sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived with no long-
term adverse affect on the assailant allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!!!!!!!
Long story short,
I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded 2AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
NOTHING!
I was disappointed.
I learned however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!!!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed a flesh and bloood target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it.
She is such a sweet cat.
But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.
AM I WRONG?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand and taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant.
a two second burst was suppose to cause muscle spasms and major loss
of bodily control.
A three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with 2 itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No Possible
Way!"
What happened next is beyond description, but I'll do my best!

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, "don't do it dipshit' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little "ole" thing couldn't possibly hurt all
that bad...
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and?
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! WHAT THE
HELL!!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no
where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, clinging to the picture frame hanging above
the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my
flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel copelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself!!!!!!!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand, by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-BITCH!
THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!!!

A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner wa upside down and about 8 feet from where it originally
was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over drooling.
Apparantly I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and sense
of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was coming
from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and am offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. My wife loved her gift, and now regularly threatens me with
it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.