WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
(Dog Trainer Version)

Pavlov: We fed the chicken on the opposite side of the road each day at 4
p.m. until the chicken's autonomic system actually began causing the chicken
to cross the road at 4 p.m. without even questioning the why.

B.F. Skinner: On prior occasions when the chicken voluntarily crossed the
road, this behavior was followed immediately by a reinforcing consequence.

Cesar Milan: I bullied, chased, poked, and intimidated the chicken until it
raced across the road, because I am a strong leader…

Barbara Woodhouse: You just say, Walkies with the right accent and place a
crumpet on the other side of the road.

Karen Pryor: By associating R+ with road crossing and P+ with standing
still, with a VR schedule, and offering a reward in keeping with the Premack
principle, we increased the intensity and frequency of the road crossing
behavior.

Bill Koehler: A few well-timed pops on the choke chain and the chicken was
happy to cross the road.

Nicholas Dodman: I gave the chicken fluoxetine, sertraline, paroxetine,
carbamazepine, and azapirone and then it was happy to cross the road.

Patti Ruzzo: I crossed the road, pausing every step to spit a treat out of
my mouth like a human pez dispenser and the chicken followed along catching
the treats.

Victoria Stilwell: So what if the chicken crossed the road, who cares where
the chicken went ... the bigger issue is do these pants make me bumm look
fat?

Connie Cleveland: Because chickens are problem solvers

Diane Bauman: We put turtles on the road and made sure the chicken was well
proofed in crossing it between the turtles LOL

Susan Garrett: I taught the chicken a motivational tug and it happily danced
across the road

Blanche Saunders: Forward ! Say heel and jerk the leash ! If the chicken
lags, jerk forward , if the chicken gets distracted use a series of short
snappy jerks. When you get to the other side cuff him before he sits and if
the chicken sits crooked cuff it again

Electric Collar Advocate: whenever the chicken does not cross the road I
give it an electric shock. But do not worry, the shock is no more than you
would feel if you walked on a carpet wearing socks and it does not bother
the chicken at all. The feathers standing up and the smell of burning
flesh mean nothing. In fact, they are happier having nice clear
communication than they would be otherwise.

Purely Positive trainer: Chickens are just like little people in feather
jackets, and if you love them and give them diamonds and feel sorry for
them all the time, they will be happy to cross the road for you.

Paris Hilton: Because I put it in a Gucci bag and carried it.

Shelter director: Any chickens that do not cross the road will be euthanized
for their own good, and the others we will adopt out tomorrow for only $200
each. Please send us money so we can keep doing more of this important
work!

HSUS member: I do not know anything about animals, I have never been
around animals and am not really fond of animals, but we passed a law
mandating that chickens be kept without cages because animals belong only
in the wild and cannot be happy coexisting with man, so now they are
walking wherever they want.

PETA member: Chickens have the right to live in a world without roads. Any
chicken that lives within a hundred miles of a road is suffering an
inhumane existence and might eventually be hit by a car so we should kill
it today to ensure that it does not die tomorrow.