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honest objective opinions requested...



 
 
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  #1  
Old August 24th 04, 05:36 AM
Chris
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Posts: n/a
Default honest objective opinions requested...

We have a problem and I don't know what to do. I have no one to ask so
I am asking a bunch of strangers...

I wrote what I am pasting below for myself to help me sort things out
but it only made things more muddled for me... I will post it unedited
but here is a little context first:

I am a disabled mother of an 11 month old (Nathaniel,) my husband,
Chris, has a dog from his previous life and so do I. Both dogs are 7.
His dog, Begbie, is a shitzu (sp?) and he is not really housebroken.
We have a big yard and lately we have been leaving him tied up in it
for most of the day but he still comes in and messes in the house. I
am physically incapable of cleaning it. Chris is away all day. Tonight
Begbie bit the baby, (with little provocation, and what provocation
there was will recur because babies are babies) for the second or
third time in a year. It scared him but didn't hurt him. We also have
4 cats. He snaps at them as well. I have a dog, Buddy, from a prior
life. She is well behaved but sheds uncontrollably. We used to give
her an omega fatty acid but we can't afford it anymore. She is half
husky half shepherd. Chris has to do all the cleaning around here and
so the onus of her hair, which is not great for Nathaniel when he
crawls, falls to Chris.

Chris has a sister, Linda who we seldom see for complicated reasons.
She cares for her psychotic (literally not pejorative) brother Harold
who is a chain smoker so we can't go there. She is mildly
developmentally impaired herself. She loves Begbie. She has offered to
take him in. Chris says he is OK with that. I saw him crying. Chris
had a best friend, Nathan, with whom he had a falling out 2 years ago.
They jointly cared for Begbie. Nathan abandoned Begbie entirely. It
took me a long time to warm up to Begbie and he to me but I have come
to love him. I admit not as much as I love Buddy who I have reared
from a pup, but I really adore him. This whole thing is tearing me up.

Below I am pasting the body of a rant I wrote to myself to help me
figure out what to do. I know I can't control who replies but please I
need sane and rational responses - there is no pat answer here. I
should have mentioned that Chris is disabled too - he is legally
blind. We are bankrupt (again literally) so any 'fix' that involves
money is not an option...

_____________________________________________



I don't know what to do. I feel awful.

Begbie is Chris's dog. He is the only ‘person' left from his past. He
is such a good and loving little dog too. And I have grown really
attached to him in the last couple of years. He has been a part of
Nathaniel's life since the moment he was conceived, and he is a member
of my family. I run around adopting strays all the time. I insist we
spend money we don't have on Buddy. I was a problem child and I was
pawned off. I know how much it hurts. Nathan already abandoned this
animal once. He has a heart of gold and is a loving dog.

He isn't housebroken and there seems to be no way to train him to go
outside. He snaps at all the little animals and has bitten Nathaniel a
least twice possibly 3 times. He is forced to stay outside alone all
day, and when the weather changes that will be even harder to do. It
is a form of cruelty to leave him alone so much and so often.

Linda loves him and wants to take him. Chris seems ok with it. So why
am I despondent? Just 20 minutes ago I was shrieking that he had to
go. But that was when I didn't think it was really an option and I was
just venting all my frustrations at him. Granted they are largely
frustrations he caused – he **** in the house twice today, and he bit
my son for no reason, but I never really thought letting him go was an
option. I was just mad. And tired. And premenstrual.

I hate how he makes me feel. I hate hating him. I want to do nothing
but cuddle him. He is my foot warmer at night and I can't even imagine
going to sleep without his warm little body behind my knees. That
night when Chris was at his mother's – when I thought we were finished
and I was so scared I couldn't see - all the animals steered clear of
me except for Begbie. No one could stand the tension I was exuding but
he never wavered from my side for a minute.

Linda really loves him and she would take wonderful care of him.
Harold smokes and their cat(s) seem to be ill and toxic. We never see
Linda and so we will very seldom see Begbie and despite our best
intentions that won't really change.

Would I get rid of Buddy if she were causing this kind of trouble? I
can't even contemplate getting rid of Buddy. I can't contemplate the
kind of anguish that would cause me and I can't believe I am going to
put Chris through that kind of pain. I try, every now and again, to
imagine the hole in my life losing Buddy would create and it is
unfathomable. How can I foist that kind of anguish onto Chris? Am I
projecting? Does he really not mind? Is he really as OK with this? He
says so but I can't believe him. Why am I the one crying like I am
losing my best friend?

And then there is my fear that Chris will resent the hell out of me
for this. My feelings for Begbie notwithstanding what if Chris is only
doing this because he thinks I am mean to Begbie. He has alluded to
that before. And I do have my moments of abject hatred of the little
guy, but they are fleeting and I have many more moments of adoration
of him, so am I being profoundly passive-aggressive here? Am I acting
like a victim so that my motives are not in question? Or am I truly
feeling the grief I think I am feeling. And essentially that's what
this is - a form of grief.

It is like losing Nushi and Shadow – somehow easier than death because
it is less absolute, but still a void is created where there was love
before and it is anguish to feel it. Maybe I am oversensitive – am I
projecting onto the dog? Am I pretending in some way that sending him
away is tantamount to sending a 14 year old Lisa to Hyde? It is
certainly better than that – he will be loved and cherished, and
unlike with Nushi and Shadow we can still see him and hear how he is.
But still are we sending a message to Nathaniel that if he doesn't
behave according to a proscribed set of behaviors then he is
dispensable?

Christ, I am total mystified. On the one hand I am absolutely against
parting with loved ones, no matter what the provocation, under any
circumstances. When you take a pet, in particular, since they have no
voice and as such no say in the decision you alter forever the
trajectory of their life. Maybe if Chris hadn't taken him he would
have been adopted by some loving family with a huge ranch etc… but
Chris and Nathan took him and Nathan abandoned him and he deserves
better. On the other hand the safety of my child and the safety of his
environment (and that includes it cleanliness to some extent) is
paramount and as a result Begbie has to take a back seat.

I can go around and around all night. I am not sure why I am writing
this since I can't show it to anyone. I wish I could get an objective
opinion on this but I don't think I can get any such thing. Chris's
family is both incapable of formulating objective opinions and
incapable of the honesty to share any such thoughts with me. My own
family is heavily biased against Chris and against Begbie so they are
no help. Chris molly-coddles me for no good reason so I can't even be
sure how he feels and of course I can't ask Begbie himself.

I suppose we have 3 choices – give the dog up to Linda, have some sort
of joint custody arrangement where he stays with us only when Chris is
home to take care of him or keep him but have Chris, and it does fall
almost entirely to Chris, devise a plan to housebreak him and teach
him how to tolerate the baby. Chris is right that keeping him outside
all day is cruel but it is also cruel to have me cleaning **** and
**** all day when I can't bend and having Nathaniel crawl through it.
Worse when Begbie goes inside it seems to give Buddy the idea that she
should too and the whole place gets totally out of control – remember
how the basement smelled? And biting the baby is a much bigger problem
- what if he gets more aggressive later and really harms him? That
would kill me.

I suppose the answer is to leave it up to Chris. Yeah right. Chris
will surely throw it back to me. Something has to change – that is
absolutely certain – the dog can't attack the baby and my house has to
be kept at a minimally sanitary level. I wish I could sleep…I don't
know if I can sleep at all without my bedbug beside me…

______________________________________________

I have a real problem here and fervently hope I get some good advice
to help me decide what is best for my son, my husband and my dog....
  #2  
Old August 24th 04, 05:57 AM
Child
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"Chris" wrote in message
om...
I suppose we have 3 choices - give the dog up to Linda, have some sort
of joint custody arrangement where he stays with us only when Chris is
home to take care of him or keep him but have Chris, and it does fall
almost entirely to Chris, devise a plan to housebreak him and teach
him how to tolerate the baby. Chris is right that keeping him outside
all day is cruel but it is also cruel to have me cleaning **** and
**** all day when I can't bend and having Nathaniel crawl through it.
Worse when Begbie goes inside it seems to give Buddy the idea that she
should too and the whole place gets totally out of control - remember
how the basement smelled? And biting the baby is a much bigger problem
- what if he gets more aggressive later and really harms him? That
would kill me.



Begbie might really be helped by having a good behaviorist come to your home
and evaluate his behavior with the baby. Thats your first step.

That trainer will help you make the best decision for Begbie and your
family.

Question: does linda live close enough that Begbie could be with her during
the day, when Chris is at work, but at your house at night?


  #3  
Old August 24th 04, 05:57 AM
Child
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"Chris" wrote in message
om...
I suppose we have 3 choices - give the dog up to Linda, have some sort
of joint custody arrangement where he stays with us only when Chris is
home to take care of him or keep him but have Chris, and it does fall
almost entirely to Chris, devise a plan to housebreak him and teach
him how to tolerate the baby. Chris is right that keeping him outside
all day is cruel but it is also cruel to have me cleaning **** and
**** all day when I can't bend and having Nathaniel crawl through it.
Worse when Begbie goes inside it seems to give Buddy the idea that she
should too and the whole place gets totally out of control - remember
how the basement smelled? And biting the baby is a much bigger problem
- what if he gets more aggressive later and really harms him? That
would kill me.



Begbie might really be helped by having a good behaviorist come to your home
and evaluate his behavior with the baby. Thats your first step.

That trainer will help you make the best decision for Begbie and your
family.

Question: does linda live close enough that Begbie could be with her during
the day, when Chris is at work, but at your house at night?


  #4  
Old August 24th 04, 05:57 AM
Child
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"Chris" wrote in message
om...
I suppose we have 3 choices - give the dog up to Linda, have some sort
of joint custody arrangement where he stays with us only when Chris is
home to take care of him or keep him but have Chris, and it does fall
almost entirely to Chris, devise a plan to housebreak him and teach
him how to tolerate the baby. Chris is right that keeping him outside
all day is cruel but it is also cruel to have me cleaning **** and
**** all day when I can't bend and having Nathaniel crawl through it.
Worse when Begbie goes inside it seems to give Buddy the idea that she
should too and the whole place gets totally out of control - remember
how the basement smelled? And biting the baby is a much bigger problem
- what if he gets more aggressive later and really harms him? That
would kill me.



Begbie might really be helped by having a good behaviorist come to your home
and evaluate his behavior with the baby. Thats your first step.

That trainer will help you make the best decision for Begbie and your
family.

Question: does linda live close enough that Begbie could be with her during
the day, when Chris is at work, but at your house at night?


  #5  
Old August 24th 04, 05:57 AM
Child
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"Chris" wrote in message
om...
I suppose we have 3 choices - give the dog up to Linda, have some sort
of joint custody arrangement where he stays with us only when Chris is
home to take care of him or keep him but have Chris, and it does fall
almost entirely to Chris, devise a plan to housebreak him and teach
him how to tolerate the baby. Chris is right that keeping him outside
all day is cruel but it is also cruel to have me cleaning **** and
**** all day when I can't bend and having Nathaniel crawl through it.
Worse when Begbie goes inside it seems to give Buddy the idea that she
should too and the whole place gets totally out of control - remember
how the basement smelled? And biting the baby is a much bigger problem
- what if he gets more aggressive later and really harms him? That
would kill me.



Begbie might really be helped by having a good behaviorist come to your home
and evaluate his behavior with the baby. Thats your first step.

That trainer will help you make the best decision for Begbie and your
family.

Question: does linda live close enough that Begbie could be with her during
the day, when Chris is at work, but at your house at night?


  #6  
Old August 24th 04, 05:57 AM
Child
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"Chris" wrote in message
om...
I suppose we have 3 choices - give the dog up to Linda, have some sort
of joint custody arrangement where he stays with us only when Chris is
home to take care of him or keep him but have Chris, and it does fall
almost entirely to Chris, devise a plan to housebreak him and teach
him how to tolerate the baby. Chris is right that keeping him outside
all day is cruel but it is also cruel to have me cleaning **** and
**** all day when I can't bend and having Nathaniel crawl through it.
Worse when Begbie goes inside it seems to give Buddy the idea that she
should too and the whole place gets totally out of control - remember
how the basement smelled? And biting the baby is a much bigger problem
- what if he gets more aggressive later and really harms him? That
would kill me.



Begbie might really be helped by having a good behaviorist come to your home
and evaluate his behavior with the baby. Thats your first step.

That trainer will help you make the best decision for Begbie and your
family.

Question: does linda live close enough that Begbie could be with her during
the day, when Chris is at work, but at your house at night?


  #7  
Old August 24th 04, 06:05 AM
Leah
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

(Chris) wrote:
We have a big yard and lately we have been leaving him tied up in it
for most of the day but he still comes in and messes in the house. I
am physically incapable of cleaning it. Chris is away all day. Tonight
Begbie bit the baby, (with little provocation, and what provocation
there was will recur because babies are babies) for the second or
third time in a year. It scared him but didn't hurt him.


You will not train Begbie by tying him in the back yard. Potty train him this
way:
http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/potty-training.html

As for biting the child, if he has bitten him 3 times and has never *hurt* him
(i.e., not broken the skin), then he is showing very good bite inhibition.
Babies can be very annoying to dogs, especially if they haven't been socialized
to them as puppies.

I would recommend reading "Childproofing Your Dog" by Brian Kilcommons, and
keep the dog separated from the child unless you are directly supervising. I
would suggest getting a behaviorist to help you, but I understand the financial
situation.

You can work this out so that Begbie can stay in the family, but it will take
diligence and effort. The potty training part is easy, if you follow the
instructions consistently.

Keep in mind that if the baby continues to annoy the dog, and his warning bites
are not heeded, they could very well escalate to real bites.

There is a lot of valuable information in the Kilcommons book that can help
you.

Canine Action Dog Trainer
http://www.canineaction.com
My Kids, My Students, My Life:
http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/m...age/index.html


  #8  
Old August 24th 04, 06:05 AM
Leah
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

(Chris) wrote:
We have a big yard and lately we have been leaving him tied up in it
for most of the day but he still comes in and messes in the house. I
am physically incapable of cleaning it. Chris is away all day. Tonight
Begbie bit the baby, (with little provocation, and what provocation
there was will recur because babies are babies) for the second or
third time in a year. It scared him but didn't hurt him.


You will not train Begbie by tying him in the back yard. Potty train him this
way:
http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/potty-training.html

As for biting the child, if he has bitten him 3 times and has never *hurt* him
(i.e., not broken the skin), then he is showing very good bite inhibition.
Babies can be very annoying to dogs, especially if they haven't been socialized
to them as puppies.

I would recommend reading "Childproofing Your Dog" by Brian Kilcommons, and
keep the dog separated from the child unless you are directly supervising. I
would suggest getting a behaviorist to help you, but I understand the financial
situation.

You can work this out so that Begbie can stay in the family, but it will take
diligence and effort. The potty training part is easy, if you follow the
instructions consistently.

Keep in mind that if the baby continues to annoy the dog, and his warning bites
are not heeded, they could very well escalate to real bites.

There is a lot of valuable information in the Kilcommons book that can help
you.

Canine Action Dog Trainer
http://www.canineaction.com
My Kids, My Students, My Life:
http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/m...age/index.html


  #9  
Old August 24th 04, 06:05 AM
Leah
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

(Chris) wrote:
We have a big yard and lately we have been leaving him tied up in it
for most of the day but he still comes in and messes in the house. I
am physically incapable of cleaning it. Chris is away all day. Tonight
Begbie bit the baby, (with little provocation, and what provocation
there was will recur because babies are babies) for the second or
third time in a year. It scared him but didn't hurt him.


You will not train Begbie by tying him in the back yard. Potty train him this
way:
http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/potty-training.html

As for biting the child, if he has bitten him 3 times and has never *hurt* him
(i.e., not broken the skin), then he is showing very good bite inhibition.
Babies can be very annoying to dogs, especially if they haven't been socialized
to them as puppies.

I would recommend reading "Childproofing Your Dog" by Brian Kilcommons, and
keep the dog separated from the child unless you are directly supervising. I
would suggest getting a behaviorist to help you, but I understand the financial
situation.

You can work this out so that Begbie can stay in the family, but it will take
diligence and effort. The potty training part is easy, if you follow the
instructions consistently.

Keep in mind that if the baby continues to annoy the dog, and his warning bites
are not heeded, they could very well escalate to real bites.

There is a lot of valuable information in the Kilcommons book that can help
you.

Canine Action Dog Trainer
http://www.canineaction.com
My Kids, My Students, My Life:
http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/m...age/index.html


  #10  
Old August 24th 04, 06:05 AM
Leah
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

(Chris) wrote:
We have a big yard and lately we have been leaving him tied up in it
for most of the day but he still comes in and messes in the house. I
am physically incapable of cleaning it. Chris is away all day. Tonight
Begbie bit the baby, (with little provocation, and what provocation
there was will recur because babies are babies) for the second or
third time in a year. It scared him but didn't hurt him.


You will not train Begbie by tying him in the back yard. Potty train him this
way:
http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/potty-training.html

As for biting the child, if he has bitten him 3 times and has never *hurt* him
(i.e., not broken the skin), then he is showing very good bite inhibition.
Babies can be very annoying to dogs, especially if they haven't been socialized
to them as puppies.

I would recommend reading "Childproofing Your Dog" by Brian Kilcommons, and
keep the dog separated from the child unless you are directly supervising. I
would suggest getting a behaviorist to help you, but I understand the financial
situation.

You can work this out so that Begbie can stay in the family, but it will take
diligence and effort. The potty training part is easy, if you follow the
instructions consistently.

Keep in mind that if the baby continues to annoy the dog, and his warning bites
are not heeded, they could very well escalate to real bites.

There is a lot of valuable information in the Kilcommons book that can help
you.

Canine Action Dog Trainer
http://www.canineaction.com
My Kids, My Students, My Life:
http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/m...age/index.html


 




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