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#1
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honest objective opinions requested...
We have a problem and I don't know what to do. I have no one to ask so
I am asking a bunch of strangers... I wrote what I am pasting below for myself to help me sort things out but it only made things more muddled for me... I will post it unedited but here is a little context first: I am a disabled mother of an 11 month old (Nathaniel,) my husband, Chris, has a dog from his previous life and so do I. Both dogs are 7. His dog, Begbie, is a shitzu (sp?) and he is not really housebroken. We have a big yard and lately we have been leaving him tied up in it for most of the day but he still comes in and messes in the house. I am physically incapable of cleaning it. Chris is away all day. Tonight Begbie bit the baby, (with little provocation, and what provocation there was will recur because babies are babies) for the second or third time in a year. It scared him but didn't hurt him. We also have 4 cats. He snaps at them as well. I have a dog, Buddy, from a prior life. She is well behaved but sheds uncontrollably. We used to give her an omega fatty acid but we can't afford it anymore. She is half husky half shepherd. Chris has to do all the cleaning around here and so the onus of her hair, which is not great for Nathaniel when he crawls, falls to Chris. Chris has a sister, Linda who we seldom see for complicated reasons. She cares for her psychotic (literally not pejorative) brother Harold who is a chain smoker so we can't go there. She is mildly developmentally impaired herself. She loves Begbie. She has offered to take him in. Chris says he is OK with that. I saw him crying. Chris had a best friend, Nathan, with whom he had a falling out 2 years ago. They jointly cared for Begbie. Nathan abandoned Begbie entirely. It took me a long time to warm up to Begbie and he to me but I have come to love him. I admit not as much as I love Buddy who I have reared from a pup, but I really adore him. This whole thing is tearing me up. Below I am pasting the body of a rant I wrote to myself to help me figure out what to do. I know I can't control who replies but please I need sane and rational responses - there is no pat answer here. I should have mentioned that Chris is disabled too - he is legally blind. We are bankrupt (again literally) so any 'fix' that involves money is not an option... _____________________________________________ I don't know what to do. I feel awful. Begbie is Chris's dog. He is the only ‘person' left from his past. He is such a good and loving little dog too. And I have grown really attached to him in the last couple of years. He has been a part of Nathaniel's life since the moment he was conceived, and he is a member of my family. I run around adopting strays all the time. I insist we spend money we don't have on Buddy. I was a problem child and I was pawned off. I know how much it hurts. Nathan already abandoned this animal once. He has a heart of gold and is a loving dog. He isn't housebroken and there seems to be no way to train him to go outside. He snaps at all the little animals and has bitten Nathaniel a least twice possibly 3 times. He is forced to stay outside alone all day, and when the weather changes that will be even harder to do. It is a form of cruelty to leave him alone so much and so often. Linda loves him and wants to take him. Chris seems ok with it. So why am I despondent? Just 20 minutes ago I was shrieking that he had to go. But that was when I didn't think it was really an option and I was just venting all my frustrations at him. Granted they are largely frustrations he caused – he **** in the house twice today, and he bit my son for no reason, but I never really thought letting him go was an option. I was just mad. And tired. And premenstrual. I hate how he makes me feel. I hate hating him. I want to do nothing but cuddle him. He is my foot warmer at night and I can't even imagine going to sleep without his warm little body behind my knees. That night when Chris was at his mother's – when I thought we were finished and I was so scared I couldn't see - all the animals steered clear of me except for Begbie. No one could stand the tension I was exuding but he never wavered from my side for a minute. Linda really loves him and she would take wonderful care of him. Harold smokes and their cat(s) seem to be ill and toxic. We never see Linda and so we will very seldom see Begbie and despite our best intentions that won't really change. Would I get rid of Buddy if she were causing this kind of trouble? I can't even contemplate getting rid of Buddy. I can't contemplate the kind of anguish that would cause me and I can't believe I am going to put Chris through that kind of pain. I try, every now and again, to imagine the hole in my life losing Buddy would create and it is unfathomable. How can I foist that kind of anguish onto Chris? Am I projecting? Does he really not mind? Is he really as OK with this? He says so but I can't believe him. Why am I the one crying like I am losing my best friend? And then there is my fear that Chris will resent the hell out of me for this. My feelings for Begbie notwithstanding what if Chris is only doing this because he thinks I am mean to Begbie. He has alluded to that before. And I do have my moments of abject hatred of the little guy, but they are fleeting and I have many more moments of adoration of him, so am I being profoundly passive-aggressive here? Am I acting like a victim so that my motives are not in question? Or am I truly feeling the grief I think I am feeling. And essentially that's what this is - a form of grief. It is like losing Nushi and Shadow – somehow easier than death because it is less absolute, but still a void is created where there was love before and it is anguish to feel it. Maybe I am oversensitive – am I projecting onto the dog? Am I pretending in some way that sending him away is tantamount to sending a 14 year old Lisa to Hyde? It is certainly better than that – he will be loved and cherished, and unlike with Nushi and Shadow we can still see him and hear how he is. But still are we sending a message to Nathaniel that if he doesn't behave according to a proscribed set of behaviors then he is dispensable? Christ, I am total mystified. On the one hand I am absolutely against parting with loved ones, no matter what the provocation, under any circumstances. When you take a pet, in particular, since they have no voice and as such no say in the decision you alter forever the trajectory of their life. Maybe if Chris hadn't taken him he would have been adopted by some loving family with a huge ranch etc… but Chris and Nathan took him and Nathan abandoned him and he deserves better. On the other hand the safety of my child and the safety of his environment (and that includes it cleanliness to some extent) is paramount and as a result Begbie has to take a back seat. I can go around and around all night. I am not sure why I am writing this since I can't show it to anyone. I wish I could get an objective opinion on this but I don't think I can get any such thing. Chris's family is both incapable of formulating objective opinions and incapable of the honesty to share any such thoughts with me. My own family is heavily biased against Chris and against Begbie so they are no help. Chris molly-coddles me for no good reason so I can't even be sure how he feels and of course I can't ask Begbie himself. I suppose we have 3 choices – give the dog up to Linda, have some sort of joint custody arrangement where he stays with us only when Chris is home to take care of him or keep him but have Chris, and it does fall almost entirely to Chris, devise a plan to housebreak him and teach him how to tolerate the baby. Chris is right that keeping him outside all day is cruel but it is also cruel to have me cleaning **** and **** all day when I can't bend and having Nathaniel crawl through it. Worse when Begbie goes inside it seems to give Buddy the idea that she should too and the whole place gets totally out of control – remember how the basement smelled? And biting the baby is a much bigger problem - what if he gets more aggressive later and really harms him? That would kill me. I suppose the answer is to leave it up to Chris. Yeah right. Chris will surely throw it back to me. Something has to change – that is absolutely certain – the dog can't attack the baby and my house has to be kept at a minimally sanitary level. I wish I could sleep…I don't know if I can sleep at all without my bedbug beside me… ______________________________________________ I have a real problem here and fervently hope I get some good advice to help me decide what is best for my son, my husband and my dog.... |
#2
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"Chris" wrote in message om... I suppose we have 3 choices - give the dog up to Linda, have some sort of joint custody arrangement where he stays with us only when Chris is home to take care of him or keep him but have Chris, and it does fall almost entirely to Chris, devise a plan to housebreak him and teach him how to tolerate the baby. Chris is right that keeping him outside all day is cruel but it is also cruel to have me cleaning **** and **** all day when I can't bend and having Nathaniel crawl through it. Worse when Begbie goes inside it seems to give Buddy the idea that she should too and the whole place gets totally out of control - remember how the basement smelled? And biting the baby is a much bigger problem - what if he gets more aggressive later and really harms him? That would kill me. Begbie might really be helped by having a good behaviorist come to your home and evaluate his behavior with the baby. Thats your first step. That trainer will help you make the best decision for Begbie and your family. Question: does linda live close enough that Begbie could be with her during the day, when Chris is at work, but at your house at night? |
#3
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"Chris" wrote in message om... I suppose we have 3 choices - give the dog up to Linda, have some sort of joint custody arrangement where he stays with us only when Chris is home to take care of him or keep him but have Chris, and it does fall almost entirely to Chris, devise a plan to housebreak him and teach him how to tolerate the baby. Chris is right that keeping him outside all day is cruel but it is also cruel to have me cleaning **** and **** all day when I can't bend and having Nathaniel crawl through it. Worse when Begbie goes inside it seems to give Buddy the idea that she should too and the whole place gets totally out of control - remember how the basement smelled? And biting the baby is a much bigger problem - what if he gets more aggressive later and really harms him? That would kill me. Begbie might really be helped by having a good behaviorist come to your home and evaluate his behavior with the baby. Thats your first step. That trainer will help you make the best decision for Begbie and your family. Question: does linda live close enough that Begbie could be with her during the day, when Chris is at work, but at your house at night? |
#4
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"Chris" wrote in message om... I suppose we have 3 choices - give the dog up to Linda, have some sort of joint custody arrangement where he stays with us only when Chris is home to take care of him or keep him but have Chris, and it does fall almost entirely to Chris, devise a plan to housebreak him and teach him how to tolerate the baby. Chris is right that keeping him outside all day is cruel but it is also cruel to have me cleaning **** and **** all day when I can't bend and having Nathaniel crawl through it. Worse when Begbie goes inside it seems to give Buddy the idea that she should too and the whole place gets totally out of control - remember how the basement smelled? And biting the baby is a much bigger problem - what if he gets more aggressive later and really harms him? That would kill me. Begbie might really be helped by having a good behaviorist come to your home and evaluate his behavior with the baby. Thats your first step. That trainer will help you make the best decision for Begbie and your family. Question: does linda live close enough that Begbie could be with her during the day, when Chris is at work, but at your house at night? |
#5
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"Chris" wrote in message om... I suppose we have 3 choices - give the dog up to Linda, have some sort of joint custody arrangement where he stays with us only when Chris is home to take care of him or keep him but have Chris, and it does fall almost entirely to Chris, devise a plan to housebreak him and teach him how to tolerate the baby. Chris is right that keeping him outside all day is cruel but it is also cruel to have me cleaning **** and **** all day when I can't bend and having Nathaniel crawl through it. Worse when Begbie goes inside it seems to give Buddy the idea that she should too and the whole place gets totally out of control - remember how the basement smelled? And biting the baby is a much bigger problem - what if he gets more aggressive later and really harms him? That would kill me. Begbie might really be helped by having a good behaviorist come to your home and evaluate his behavior with the baby. Thats your first step. That trainer will help you make the best decision for Begbie and your family. Question: does linda live close enough that Begbie could be with her during the day, when Chris is at work, but at your house at night? |
#6
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"Chris" wrote in message om... I suppose we have 3 choices - give the dog up to Linda, have some sort of joint custody arrangement where he stays with us only when Chris is home to take care of him or keep him but have Chris, and it does fall almost entirely to Chris, devise a plan to housebreak him and teach him how to tolerate the baby. Chris is right that keeping him outside all day is cruel but it is also cruel to have me cleaning **** and **** all day when I can't bend and having Nathaniel crawl through it. Worse when Begbie goes inside it seems to give Buddy the idea that she should too and the whole place gets totally out of control - remember how the basement smelled? And biting the baby is a much bigger problem - what if he gets more aggressive later and really harms him? That would kill me. Begbie might really be helped by having a good behaviorist come to your home and evaluate his behavior with the baby. Thats your first step. That trainer will help you make the best decision for Begbie and your family. Question: does linda live close enough that Begbie could be with her during the day, when Chris is at work, but at your house at night? |
#7
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(Chris) wrote:
We have a big yard and lately we have been leaving him tied up in it for most of the day but he still comes in and messes in the house. I am physically incapable of cleaning it. Chris is away all day. Tonight Begbie bit the baby, (with little provocation, and what provocation there was will recur because babies are babies) for the second or third time in a year. It scared him but didn't hurt him. You will not train Begbie by tying him in the back yard. Potty train him this way: http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/potty-training.html As for biting the child, if he has bitten him 3 times and has never *hurt* him (i.e., not broken the skin), then he is showing very good bite inhibition. Babies can be very annoying to dogs, especially if they haven't been socialized to them as puppies. I would recommend reading "Childproofing Your Dog" by Brian Kilcommons, and keep the dog separated from the child unless you are directly supervising. I would suggest getting a behaviorist to help you, but I understand the financial situation. You can work this out so that Begbie can stay in the family, but it will take diligence and effort. The potty training part is easy, if you follow the instructions consistently. Keep in mind that if the baby continues to annoy the dog, and his warning bites are not heeded, they could very well escalate to real bites. There is a lot of valuable information in the Kilcommons book that can help you. Canine Action Dog Trainer http://www.canineaction.com My Kids, My Students, My Life: http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/m...age/index.html |
#8
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(Chris) wrote:
We have a big yard and lately we have been leaving him tied up in it for most of the day but he still comes in and messes in the house. I am physically incapable of cleaning it. Chris is away all day. Tonight Begbie bit the baby, (with little provocation, and what provocation there was will recur because babies are babies) for the second or third time in a year. It scared him but didn't hurt him. You will not train Begbie by tying him in the back yard. Potty train him this way: http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/potty-training.html As for biting the child, if he has bitten him 3 times and has never *hurt* him (i.e., not broken the skin), then he is showing very good bite inhibition. Babies can be very annoying to dogs, especially if they haven't been socialized to them as puppies. I would recommend reading "Childproofing Your Dog" by Brian Kilcommons, and keep the dog separated from the child unless you are directly supervising. I would suggest getting a behaviorist to help you, but I understand the financial situation. You can work this out so that Begbie can stay in the family, but it will take diligence and effort. The potty training part is easy, if you follow the instructions consistently. Keep in mind that if the baby continues to annoy the dog, and his warning bites are not heeded, they could very well escalate to real bites. There is a lot of valuable information in the Kilcommons book that can help you. Canine Action Dog Trainer http://www.canineaction.com My Kids, My Students, My Life: http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/m...age/index.html |
#9
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(Chris) wrote:
We have a big yard and lately we have been leaving him tied up in it for most of the day but he still comes in and messes in the house. I am physically incapable of cleaning it. Chris is away all day. Tonight Begbie bit the baby, (with little provocation, and what provocation there was will recur because babies are babies) for the second or third time in a year. It scared him but didn't hurt him. You will not train Begbie by tying him in the back yard. Potty train him this way: http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/potty-training.html As for biting the child, if he has bitten him 3 times and has never *hurt* him (i.e., not broken the skin), then he is showing very good bite inhibition. Babies can be very annoying to dogs, especially if they haven't been socialized to them as puppies. I would recommend reading "Childproofing Your Dog" by Brian Kilcommons, and keep the dog separated from the child unless you are directly supervising. I would suggest getting a behaviorist to help you, but I understand the financial situation. You can work this out so that Begbie can stay in the family, but it will take diligence and effort. The potty training part is easy, if you follow the instructions consistently. Keep in mind that if the baby continues to annoy the dog, and his warning bites are not heeded, they could very well escalate to real bites. There is a lot of valuable information in the Kilcommons book that can help you. Canine Action Dog Trainer http://www.canineaction.com My Kids, My Students, My Life: http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/m...age/index.html |
#10
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(Chris) wrote:
We have a big yard and lately we have been leaving him tied up in it for most of the day but he still comes in and messes in the house. I am physically incapable of cleaning it. Chris is away all day. Tonight Begbie bit the baby, (with little provocation, and what provocation there was will recur because babies are babies) for the second or third time in a year. It scared him but didn't hurt him. You will not train Begbie by tying him in the back yard. Potty train him this way: http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/potty-training.html As for biting the child, if he has bitten him 3 times and has never *hurt* him (i.e., not broken the skin), then he is showing very good bite inhibition. Babies can be very annoying to dogs, especially if they haven't been socialized to them as puppies. I would recommend reading "Childproofing Your Dog" by Brian Kilcommons, and keep the dog separated from the child unless you are directly supervising. I would suggest getting a behaviorist to help you, but I understand the financial situation. You can work this out so that Begbie can stay in the family, but it will take diligence and effort. The potty training part is easy, if you follow the instructions consistently. Keep in mind that if the baby continues to annoy the dog, and his warning bites are not heeded, they could very well escalate to real bites. There is a lot of valuable information in the Kilcommons book that can help you. Canine Action Dog Trainer http://www.canineaction.com My Kids, My Students, My Life: http://hometown.aol.com/dfrntdrums/m...age/index.html |
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