Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things
at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this
do?
You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
inflatable
doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane
during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many
different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for
Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
Louise
a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise
came
to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left
the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into
the
dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any
teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on
Granny,
hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me
and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in
front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa
ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the
car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
her
to perfect health!

Marcel Beaudoin wrote:
Christmas With Louise

ROFLMAO!!!

Thanks for the laugh!

FurPaw

--
My family values don't involve depleted uranium.

To reply, unleash the dog.

on Fri, 23 Feb 2007 13:56:16 GMT, "Marcel Beaudoin"
wrote:

duct tape

Also known as Kentucky Chrome. That's the best use for it I've heard so
far! Too funny.

--
Lynne

"Marcel Beaudoin" wrote in message
ups.com...
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died,
who was dying, and who should be killed,

I thought you lived in Canada. What were you doing at my family's holiday
dinner?

Gotta love it - just add in sprinkles of who is getting married, who is
getting divorced, who is cheating and whose kids are doing well and whose
kids are never going to amount to much and how come they can afford that
vacation.

Judy