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[OT] (WAAAY off-topic): California election



 
 
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  #1  
Old September 13th 03, 10:08 PM
dianne marie schoenberg
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default [OT] (WAAAY off-topic): California election

I rarely start threads and don't think I've ever started
an off-topic one--but I know there's been some interest
here in the California recall election and thought
some of you might be amused by the following.

The voter's pamphlet for the recall election came the
other day and I found myself screaming with laughter
as I read it. All that was required to get on this
ballot was 65 signatures and $3500--and 150 people
did. Some were obviously running as a joke, but with
an awful lot of them I couldn't tell if they were
serious or not.

Here are some of the choicest quotes from the candidate
statements. I'm going to *try* to refrain from comment,
but I just couldn't help myself in a few cases.

In most cases, I'm not going to give you the candidates'
names since you wouldn't recognize them anyway. And I'm
afraid you'll not find anything from the Terminator in
here--he didn't submit a statement. Neither did Leo
Gallagher (better known as the comedian "Gallagher"),
Don Novello (aka Father Guido Sarducci), Gary Coleman
(you remember, the cute little kid from "Diff'rent
Strokes"), nor did Mary Carey, the adult film star.
Bummer, hum? Don't worry, there were still lots of
others to choose from.

Also, I'd just like to say that I tried hard to make
sure that the typos below are the candidates' and not
my own.

--------------------------------------------

God Bless You and God bless California! As John
F. Kennedy said, ask not what the state can do,
but what you can do for the state. My Childhood
Hero!!

---

"Atlas Shrugged," America's second most influential
book, was written by an immigrant to California
who predicted our current mess and offered an
inspiring solution.

---

I am running for Governor because I do not want an
ultra-conservative person to be elected.

---

[One candidate proposed resolving California's
budgetary problems with]:

.... equal father and mother involvement [for children];
universal prenatal care; more male teachers; boy-friendly
schools; a men's birth control pill; communication
skills; female empowerment rather than victim power.

---

I can do a better job at balancing the budget than
those pinhead bureaucrats in Sacramento. I have a simple
idea of how to eliminate the deficit without increasing
anyone's taxes or cutting funding for any programs--and
that is to expand California gaming to include slot
machines for all private clubs.

[From the statement of Larry Flynt, publisher of
Hustler magazine]

---

With my skills as a filmmaker and arts administrator,
I will work to return common sense to California
government.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]

---

Single adults are the Rodney Dangerfields of our
society. They "can't get no respect." I am the first
candidate in California history to campaign on a
*Fairness for Singles* platform.

---

Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the
Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. I will legalize
drugs, gambling and prostitution so that they may be
taxed and regulated, the funds derived would subsidize
the deficit, education, and the environment. I believe
in peaceful solutions backed by a strong military;
I don't care who you marry or have sex with.

---

We should teach basic criminal penalties and yoga
in our schools.

---

You know the wonderful world that exists in television
comedies--a world where, no matter what problems arise
or conflicts exist, people work together to overcome
any obstacle and, maybe, learn a little something?
Wouldn't you like California to be like that? It can
be if you elect Bill Prady to be the next governor
of our great state. Bill Prady is an award-winning
television comedy writer and producer who will bring
the skills he's learned from creating sitcom episodes
to Sacramento. If elected, he pledges to solve all the
state's problems in twenty-two minutes and forty-four
seconds with two commercial breaks and a hug at the
end. After all this turmoil, isn't this just what
California needs?

---

*It's still the economy stupid!*

[Huh?]

---

Bankruptcy--use the courts to break up special interest
groups & restore fiscal responsibility.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]

---

There is no other candidate. I am the one.

[I think he must've watched "The Matrix" a few times
too often.]

---

My 37 years of experience founding and managing a business
that exports American-made buses to Mexico, has thoroughly
educated me in the *economic realities* necessary to *restore
California's fiscal health.*

---

I breathe.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]

---

As the leading middleweight of the 2003 California State
Sumo Series and a serious, well-educated, nonpartisan
candidate for governor, I will attack the 800-lb. gorilla
of big government from every angle and fight determinedly
to restore California to a state where all citizens and
legal residents can be proud to live.

---

I am a grocer who, with his family, specializes in selling
cigarettes to adults who make their own decisions. Customers
tell me they want no new taxes, no stupid new laws, and for
someone to step up to get the work of government done...
My sense of urgency comes from having customers to serve
and bills to pay.

---

As a marketing architect, I turned "Wheel of Fortune,"
"Jeopardy!" and "Oprah Winfrey" into household names. My
vast marketing experience will help win new business to
California.

---

I will not prosecute any victimless crimes.

[Note: for those who aren't aware of it, the governor
doesn't prosecute any crimes.]

---

May the Lord give you the wisdom of Solomon as you vote.
I pray that the Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God will
guide me in all decisions, especially in selecting the
best and brightest trusted servants to resolve the
budget crisis and heal our land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

---

Earthquakes and special interests threaten California
every day.

--------------------------------------------

Dianne
  #4  
Old September 14th 03, 12:48 AM
Shelly & The Boys
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"dianne marie schoenberg" wrote in message
...
I rarely start threads and don't think I've ever started
an off-topic one--but I know there's been some interest
here in the California recall election and thought
some of you might be amused by the following.

The voter's pamphlet for the recall election came the
other day and I found myself screaming with laughter
as I read it. All that was required to get on this
ballot was 65 signatures and $3500--and 150 people
did. Some were obviously running as a joke, but with
an awful lot of them I couldn't tell if they were
serious or not.

Here are some of the choicest quotes from the candidate
statements. I'm going to *try* to refrain from comment,
but I just couldn't help myself in a few cases.

snipped a bunch
---

I breathe.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]


laughing, really hard by now...


---

Earthquakes and special interests threaten California
every day.


I'm guessing they mean special interest groups? Either way,
funny stuff.
Thanks Dianne!
Shelly (printing this stuff out for DH, he'll get a good laugh) & The Boys


  #5  
Old September 14th 03, 12:48 AM
Shelly & The Boys
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"dianne marie schoenberg" wrote in message
...
I rarely start threads and don't think I've ever started
an off-topic one--but I know there's been some interest
here in the California recall election and thought
some of you might be amused by the following.

The voter's pamphlet for the recall election came the
other day and I found myself screaming with laughter
as I read it. All that was required to get on this
ballot was 65 signatures and $3500--and 150 people
did. Some were obviously running as a joke, but with
an awful lot of them I couldn't tell if they were
serious or not.

Here are some of the choicest quotes from the candidate
statements. I'm going to *try* to refrain from comment,
but I just couldn't help myself in a few cases.

snipped a bunch
---

I breathe.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]


laughing, really hard by now...


---

Earthquakes and special interests threaten California
every day.


I'm guessing they mean special interest groups? Either way,
funny stuff.
Thanks Dianne!
Shelly (printing this stuff out for DH, he'll get a good laugh) & The Boys


  #6  
Old September 14th 03, 01:04 AM
nichael
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

"Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the
Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. I will legalize
drugs, gambling and prostitution so that they may be
taxed and regulated, the funds derived would subsidize
the deficit, education, and the environment. I believe
in peaceful solutions backed by a strong military;
I don't care who you marry or have sex with."



vote for that guy, whoever he/she is






dianne marie schoenberg wrote:
I rarely start threads and don't think I've ever started
an off-topic one--but I know there's been some interest
here in the California recall election and thought
some of you might be amused by the following.

The voter's pamphlet for the recall election came the
other day and I found myself screaming with laughter
as I read it. All that was required to get on this
ballot was 65 signatures and $3500--and 150 people
did. Some were obviously running as a joke, but with
an awful lot of them I couldn't tell if they were
serious or not.

Here are some of the choicest quotes from the candidate
statements. I'm going to *try* to refrain from comment,
but I just couldn't help myself in a few cases.

In most cases, I'm not going to give you the candidates'
names since you wouldn't recognize them anyway. And I'm
afraid you'll not find anything from the Terminator in
here--he didn't submit a statement. Neither did Leo
Gallagher (better known as the comedian "Gallagher"),
Don Novello (aka Father Guido Sarducci), Gary Coleman
(you remember, the cute little kid from "Diff'rent
Strokes"), nor did Mary Carey, the adult film star.
Bummer, hum? Don't worry, there were still lots of
others to choose from.

Also, I'd just like to say that I tried hard to make
sure that the typos below are the candidates' and not
my own.

--------------------------------------------

God Bless You and God bless California! As John
F. Kennedy said, ask not what the state can do,
but what you can do for the state. My Childhood
Hero!!

---

"Atlas Shrugged," America's second most influential
book, was written by an immigrant to California
who predicted our current mess and offered an
inspiring solution.

---

I am running for Governor because I do not want an
ultra-conservative person to be elected.

---

[One candidate proposed resolving California's
budgetary problems with]:

... equal father and mother involvement [for children];
universal prenatal care; more male teachers; boy-friendly
schools; a men's birth control pill; communication
skills; female empowerment rather than victim power.

---

I can do a better job at balancing the budget than
those pinhead bureaucrats in Sacramento. I have a simple
idea of how to eliminate the deficit without increasing
anyone's taxes or cutting funding for any programs--and
that is to expand California gaming to include slot
machines for all private clubs.

[From the statement of Larry Flynt, publisher of
Hustler magazine]

---

With my skills as a filmmaker and arts administrator,
I will work to return common sense to California
government.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]

---

Single adults are the Rodney Dangerfields of our
society. They "can't get no respect." I am the first
candidate in California history to campaign on a
*Fairness for Singles* platform.

---

Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the
Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. I will legalize
drugs, gambling and prostitution so that they may be
taxed and regulated, the funds derived would subsidize
the deficit, education, and the environment. I believe
in peaceful solutions backed by a strong military;
I don't care who you marry or have sex with.

---

We should teach basic criminal penalties and yoga
in our schools.

---

You know the wonderful world that exists in television
comedies--a world where, no matter what problems arise
or conflicts exist, people work together to overcome
any obstacle and, maybe, learn a little something?
Wouldn't you like California to be like that? It can
be if you elect Bill Prady to be the next governor
of our great state. Bill Prady is an award-winning
television comedy writer and producer who will bring
the skills he's learned from creating sitcom episodes
to Sacramento. If elected, he pledges to solve all the
state's problems in twenty-two minutes and forty-four
seconds with two commercial breaks and a hug at the
end. After all this turmoil, isn't this just what
California needs?

---

*It's still the economy stupid!*

[Huh?]

---

Bankruptcy--use the courts to break up special interest
groups & restore fiscal responsibility.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]

---

There is no other candidate. I am the one.

[I think he must've watched "The Matrix" a few times
too often.]

---

My 37 years of experience founding and managing a business
that exports American-made buses to Mexico, has thoroughly
educated me in the *economic realities* necessary to *restore
California's fiscal health.*

---

I breathe.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]

---

As the leading middleweight of the 2003 California State
Sumo Series and a serious, well-educated, nonpartisan
candidate for governor, I will attack the 800-lb. gorilla
of big government from every angle and fight determinedly
to restore California to a state where all citizens and
legal residents can be proud to live.

---

I am a grocer who, with his family, specializes in selling
cigarettes to adults who make their own decisions. Customers
tell me they want no new taxes, no stupid new laws, and for
someone to step up to get the work of government done...
My sense of urgency comes from having customers to serve
and bills to pay.

---

As a marketing architect, I turned "Wheel of Fortune,"
"Jeopardy!" and "Oprah Winfrey" into household names. My
vast marketing experience will help win new business to
California.

---

I will not prosecute any victimless crimes.

[Note: for those who aren't aware of it, the governor
doesn't prosecute any crimes.]

---

May the Lord give you the wisdom of Solomon as you vote.
I pray that the Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God will
guide me in all decisions, especially in selecting the
best and brightest trusted servants to resolve the
budget crisis and heal our land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

---

Earthquakes and special interests threaten California
every day.

--------------------------------------------

Dianne


  #7  
Old September 14th 03, 01:04 AM
nichael
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

"Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the
Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. I will legalize
drugs, gambling and prostitution so that they may be
taxed and regulated, the funds derived would subsidize
the deficit, education, and the environment. I believe
in peaceful solutions backed by a strong military;
I don't care who you marry or have sex with."



vote for that guy, whoever he/she is






dianne marie schoenberg wrote:
I rarely start threads and don't think I've ever started
an off-topic one--but I know there's been some interest
here in the California recall election and thought
some of you might be amused by the following.

The voter's pamphlet for the recall election came the
other day and I found myself screaming with laughter
as I read it. All that was required to get on this
ballot was 65 signatures and $3500--and 150 people
did. Some were obviously running as a joke, but with
an awful lot of them I couldn't tell if they were
serious or not.

Here are some of the choicest quotes from the candidate
statements. I'm going to *try* to refrain from comment,
but I just couldn't help myself in a few cases.

In most cases, I'm not going to give you the candidates'
names since you wouldn't recognize them anyway. And I'm
afraid you'll not find anything from the Terminator in
here--he didn't submit a statement. Neither did Leo
Gallagher (better known as the comedian "Gallagher"),
Don Novello (aka Father Guido Sarducci), Gary Coleman
(you remember, the cute little kid from "Diff'rent
Strokes"), nor did Mary Carey, the adult film star.
Bummer, hum? Don't worry, there were still lots of
others to choose from.

Also, I'd just like to say that I tried hard to make
sure that the typos below are the candidates' and not
my own.

--------------------------------------------

God Bless You and God bless California! As John
F. Kennedy said, ask not what the state can do,
but what you can do for the state. My Childhood
Hero!!

---

"Atlas Shrugged," America's second most influential
book, was written by an immigrant to California
who predicted our current mess and offered an
inspiring solution.

---

I am running for Governor because I do not want an
ultra-conservative person to be elected.

---

[One candidate proposed resolving California's
budgetary problems with]:

... equal father and mother involvement [for children];
universal prenatal care; more male teachers; boy-friendly
schools; a men's birth control pill; communication
skills; female empowerment rather than victim power.

---

I can do a better job at balancing the budget than
those pinhead bureaucrats in Sacramento. I have a simple
idea of how to eliminate the deficit without increasing
anyone's taxes or cutting funding for any programs--and
that is to expand California gaming to include slot
machines for all private clubs.

[From the statement of Larry Flynt, publisher of
Hustler magazine]

---

With my skills as a filmmaker and arts administrator,
I will work to return common sense to California
government.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]

---

Single adults are the Rodney Dangerfields of our
society. They "can't get no respect." I am the first
candidate in California history to campaign on a
*Fairness for Singles* platform.

---

Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the
Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. I will legalize
drugs, gambling and prostitution so that they may be
taxed and regulated, the funds derived would subsidize
the deficit, education, and the environment. I believe
in peaceful solutions backed by a strong military;
I don't care who you marry or have sex with.

---

We should teach basic criminal penalties and yoga
in our schools.

---

You know the wonderful world that exists in television
comedies--a world where, no matter what problems arise
or conflicts exist, people work together to overcome
any obstacle and, maybe, learn a little something?
Wouldn't you like California to be like that? It can
be if you elect Bill Prady to be the next governor
of our great state. Bill Prady is an award-winning
television comedy writer and producer who will bring
the skills he's learned from creating sitcom episodes
to Sacramento. If elected, he pledges to solve all the
state's problems in twenty-two minutes and forty-four
seconds with two commercial breaks and a hug at the
end. After all this turmoil, isn't this just what
California needs?

---

*It's still the economy stupid!*

[Huh?]

---

Bankruptcy--use the courts to break up special interest
groups & restore fiscal responsibility.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]

---

There is no other candidate. I am the one.

[I think he must've watched "The Matrix" a few times
too often.]

---

My 37 years of experience founding and managing a business
that exports American-made buses to Mexico, has thoroughly
educated me in the *economic realities* necessary to *restore
California's fiscal health.*

---

I breathe.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]

---

As the leading middleweight of the 2003 California State
Sumo Series and a serious, well-educated, nonpartisan
candidate for governor, I will attack the 800-lb. gorilla
of big government from every angle and fight determinedly
to restore California to a state where all citizens and
legal residents can be proud to live.

---

I am a grocer who, with his family, specializes in selling
cigarettes to adults who make their own decisions. Customers
tell me they want no new taxes, no stupid new laws, and for
someone to step up to get the work of government done...
My sense of urgency comes from having customers to serve
and bills to pay.

---

As a marketing architect, I turned "Wheel of Fortune,"
"Jeopardy!" and "Oprah Winfrey" into household names. My
vast marketing experience will help win new business to
California.

---

I will not prosecute any victimless crimes.

[Note: for those who aren't aware of it, the governor
doesn't prosecute any crimes.]

---

May the Lord give you the wisdom of Solomon as you vote.
I pray that the Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God will
guide me in all decisions, especially in selecting the
best and brightest trusted servants to resolve the
budget crisis and heal our land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

---

Earthquakes and special interests threaten California
every day.

--------------------------------------------

Dianne


  #8  
Old September 14th 03, 02:47 AM
Rocky
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

dianne marie schoenberg said in rec.pets.dogs.behavior:

I breathe.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]


Was this statement from the 100 year old candidate? If so, she
probably felt that it needed pointing out.

BTW, has Ahnold taken a stance on *anything* yet?

--
--Matt. Rocky's a Dog.
  #9  
Old September 14th 03, 02:47 AM
Rocky
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

dianne marie schoenberg said in rec.pets.dogs.behavior:

I breathe.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]


Was this statement from the 100 year old candidate? If so, she
probably felt that it needed pointing out.

BTW, has Ahnold taken a stance on *anything* yet?

--
--Matt. Rocky's a Dog.
  #10  
Old September 14th 03, 03:42 AM
dianne marie schoenberg
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Rocky wrote:
dianne marie schoenberg said in rec.pets.dogs.behavior:

I breathe.

[That was the candidate's entire statement.]


Was this statement from the 100 year old candidate?


Nope. FWIW, you can check out that guy's web site at
http://www.whowantstobeagovernor.com/
It's pretty funny. Be sure to click on "The Candidates."

BTW, has Ahnold taken a stance on *anything* yet?


Well, just one thing as far as I know: he stated that
the citizens of California "don't want details". Now,
that counts as a position on something, doesn't it?

Dianne
 




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