I don't know the author to credit as I got it by email.

--
Tara

Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not
switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the
way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The
other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print
in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming
your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating
me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help, because I
fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry
about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the
couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping,
they can actually
curl
up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to
maximize
space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by
some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get
your paw under
the
edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this
room, I will come
out
the the same door I entered. In addition, I have been
using bathrooms
for
years. Canine/feline attendance has never been
necessary.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dogs' butt. I
cannot
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change
for you.
In return for your following these simple rules, I
have posted the
following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the
furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and doesn't speak
clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
don't ask for
money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called, never
drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends,
don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't
wear your clothes,
don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and they
can be desexed at
an
early age! Results !